Author Archives: admin

Oh Positivity, Thou Art False

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I don’t always like my husband and I don’t always like my kids.

I love them, for sure, but I don’t always like them.

There are times when my husband drives me so crazy that I just want to put a pillow over my head and scream.

And there are moments when my kids make the most incredible messes, scream with ear-piercing intensity, and generally go bonkers that I wish I could hide in a closet for the rest of the day while someone else cleans the messes and interacts with the hooligans.

These feelings are mutual.

I know that my perfectionism, hormonally charged and mentally ill induced mood swings, and emotional intensity can leave my husband wishing for a break.

I know that my kids probably wish that I would let them draw roses on the tables and walls with peanut butter, or pretend to cook with flour while pretending it’s snowing.

Is it okay for me to share these moments of frustration?  Or should I pretend that everything is always perfect?

I adhere to a brand of optimism that I call realistic optimism.  This means that I look at the world with an optimistic outlook yet recognize there are dark and ugly things that exist.  I think everyone is potentially wonderful human beings, but I know that sometimes mental dysfunction and personality disorders can complicate the positive outcome. I think that humanity is, on a whole, good, and I also know of the horrible abuses committed in the name of patriarchy, freedom, and religion.

When it comes to relationships between me and Ben and me and the kids, I know things aren’t always peachy; yet I also experience awesome moments and days.

No one can make me laugh, knows me at the deepest level, and is as open and welcoming toward my opinions and beliefs as Ben.

And my kiddos are the sweetest, most daring, and hilarious little monkeys that exist. Like Emily’s admonishing me to “ask nicely” when I angrily ask her to stop spreading peanut butter all over her brother. Or Andrew crawling in my lap when I am crying from an exhausting day and saying “come here” while wiping my tears with his chubby, soft hands.

Yes, I do love my husband and my children.

But, is it more socially appropriate to share these sweet and silly experiences than it is to share those not-so-positive moments?  I, for one, appreciate both.  I understand the bravery it takes to share things that might make a person human and I also admire those gushing posts about partners and children.  Why not share the ups and the downs?  Isn’t that life?

Sharing moments of frustration can lead to the negative branding (i.e. someone calling you too negative), or to comments that detract from your real feelings and can lead to guilt.  Alternatively, sometimes sharing an abundance of positive things can lead to unfair protestations that you are too positive and clearly perfect.  Both are unnecessarily judgmental and highlight the semi-dangerous nature of publicly sharing our lives on the interwebs.

Those of us that engage in social media understand that Twitter, Facebook, and blogging only present snap shots of our life.  A complete picture of who we are, what we believe, and our worldview would take more than 140 characters on Twitter, a status update on Facebook, and a blog post.  Even “about me” snippets aren’t adequate explanations of a person’s full character.

What do we do then?  Do we look at a person’s snippets and decide we don’t like them because they are too negative or too positive?  Or, do we look deeper and find a complex and wonderful person?

That is our choice.  What will you choose today, tomorrow, and in the future?

How Not to Survive (Under)Graduate School

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I am three weeks into my program and wondering, what the hell was I thinking?  To make it easier for me and my fellow (under)graduate students, I’ve composed a list of 10 ways to ensure one doesn’t survive school.

1. Have kids.  Lots of ‘em. And, if possible, make sure you’re pregnant WITH kids.

2. Start out poor.  Extra stress from financial burdens is extremely important to (non)success.

3. Stay home full-time with your kids, finding baby-sitters *only* when you have class.  This way you and your children will experience (under)graduate school together!

4. Move FAR away from family.  When you need help with little things, like an emergency baby-sitter, you will learn patience by taking your kids with you to appointments and classes!

5. Include your partner/spouse in the school/life/mother/spouse balance by sending them away for a few weeks.  You’ll never appreciate them more than when they are gone and return.

6. Ensure that you live on the third floor of an apartment complex without a washer and dryer.  This will make you appreciate your ancestors as you lug your kids (who refuse to walk), the laundry, the laundry supplies, and your pregnant body up and down the stairs to the laundromat.

7. Live in a *small* apartment.  Nothing like enclosed spaces to improve familial relationships!

8. If you have a mental illness, don’t take your medicine – for physical or whatever reasons – to improve your chances at (non)success.

9. Ensure that your toddler and preschooler are sufficiently independent and busy enough to cause all types of chaos while you attempt to work on a paper.

10. Don’t sleep.  Blame it on pregnancy-induced insomnia, anxiety-induced insomnia, or just insomnia in general.  That way, by the end of the week, you are hysterical with overwhelming stress and exhaustion.  A perfect recipe for (non)success.

If you can, try to combine one or more of these and I promise you the (under)graduate experience of your life!

 

A Winner Announced and My Life Is Changing

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Friends.  I said I would announce the winner yesterday, but I was busy hunting for apartments instead!  Ack!

So.  I’m late.  My sincere apologies.

The winner, thanks to random.org, is Miri!  Send me your address (at hereeverymomentcounts [at] gmail [dot] com) and I will send you a copy of Looking Up: A Memoir of Sisters, Survivors, and Skokie.

For the rest of you, I strongly encourage you to read this book.  It’s available on Kindle and in paperback at stores everywhere.

*****

I start school on Monday.  I read the syllabi of my classes last night and am already 7 chapters, 2 papers and several little essays behind.  In between hyperventilating sessions, I remembered that I’m starting a master’s program and must start acting, thinking, and writing like an intelligent person.

I think this might be harder than I expected. (At least it would be if I had known what to expect in the first place.)  (Granted, it’s hard to know how difficult any program is until you actually start.)

And since Ben and I like having big changes all at once, we will also be moving next weekend (if things go as planned), and he starts his new job the following Monday.  Thank goodness I still have 5.5 months until baby #3 is due.

So I will all but disappear from this space for the next little while as we adjust to, well, everything.  Wish me luck!

When I Get That Urge to Kick Something, I Think of Emily (And Usually Do It Anyway)

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Emily is very expressive.  Lately, when things are not going her way, she growls and says, “I’m frustrated!” Or, if Andrew is not doing things the way she wants him to, she angrily grunts “Andrew! Stop!”

I know exactly where she gets her grunts and expressions from – me.  While I could sit and feel guilty that my daughter is learning bad behaviour from her mom, I choose to look at her angry grunts, scowls, and snide remarks as evidence of her emerging self.  Like all kids her age, she imitates what she sees, so all my explosions of frustration and anger teach her how to respond when she faces similar situations.  And I don’t see any problem with that.

Frankly, I think my responses are fairly mild.  I don’t yell, spank, or call her and her brother names (besides pooky pants or other silly made up words) and I am quick to apologize and show an excessive amount of love.  Something that she has also picked up on.

When Andrew is having a hard day, she hugs him and gives him extra attention and special treatment.  When I am sick, she rubs my back and says, “I’m sorry momma.”  If Andrew falls down, she runs to him and says “are you okay?”  And, best of all, she will randomly tell all of us how much she loves us.

Yeah, my daughter can get angry – like me – but, more often and more importantly, she is a sweet girl who willingly and freely expresses her affections toward her loved ones.  I can honestly say I taught her that too.

****Don’t forget to comment on THIS POST for a chance to win a book!  I promise, it’s worth it!****

Big Families, Small Families, Women Still Can’t Choose

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Selfish People

Growing up in a large family, my mom would often receive glares from other people when she walked into a store towing all her kids.  Women would even chastise her for having that many children, calling her selfish and clearly unaware of how she is overcrowding the world by her actions.

I found that strange considering many of these people were self-proclaimed liberals were for women’s rights’ issues like abortion and privacy, yet they had no problem telling my mother what she should do with her body.

On the other hand, I’ve had friends called selfish because, according to their religious family members and peers, they are not producing enough children.

And all these arguments have recently become tied into the contraceptive debate.

Contraceptives: The People Limiter

In view of statistics in the US, the average number of children being born to a woman is only 2.03, up from the 70′s and 80′s, but still slightly lower than the replacement level of 2.1 [1a].  So all the arguments that contraceptives limit the amount of children born in the US are true! Absolutely true!

And This Is a Bad Thing?

I believe people read these reports and see “less than replacement level” as a concerning point.  Replacement-level fertility is actually defined as, “The level of fertility at which a couple has only enough children to replace themselves, or about two children per couple.” [1b] This, however, is not to be confused with a more important term: sustainable population or carrying capacity.  According to SUSPS,

The growing population and its consumption patterns have profound consequences for the global environment, including species extinction, deforestation, desertification, climate change, and the destruction of natural ecosystems. [1c]

In my opinion, the decline in birth rates should be seen as a good thing based on the above quote and other concerning bio-statistics. I think they can be interpreted in two ways: One, our evolutionary mechanisms are leading to natural population inhibition – rather than needing a law like China currently has in place – and two, women are finally taking control of their fertility.

My Choice?  Sure, If I Want to be Chastised

A major victory women achieved in the 1950′s and the 60′s was finally breaking free from the patriarchy and allowing ourselves to control our own fertility.  Considering we have the lion’s share of responsibility when it comes to children, it is only natural that we have more control over if, when, and how many children we have.

But, my idealistic look at fertility rates is continually shattered when I read comments by male leaders in various church and political forums on various woman’s health issues.  It’s like a return to medieval times.

Rush Limbaugh considers women “sluts” because they want contraception. [2]

Foster Freiss, President of Santorum’s super PAC, said in his day, “women used to put bayer aspirin between their knees [3],” indicating that they just didn’t have sex.  (To which I ask, did he and what were his consequences?)

Rick Santorum, contender for the GOP nomination, has made past and current remarks about how contraceptive “is harmful to women” because it “goes down the line of being able to do whatever you want to do without having the responsibility that comes with that [4].” (Again, women face the consequences, men don’t.)

Elder Scott, member of the Quorum of the 12 in the LDS church, recently said, “In the past 50 years the birth rate has dropped in nearly every nation of the world. Marriages are being postponed until later in life, and families are getting smaller, even in the [LDS] Church [5].” (Basically telling women to pop out more children.)

Because, apparently, men have absolute control of their sexuality and never, ever have sex outside of marriage, we women should be punished.  Even if men are having more sex than women, they don’t have to worry about unexpected pregnancies because, oh yeah, they’re men.  They also have every right to tell women to have more children so that our population doesn’t die out (which wouldn’t happen anyway).

Big Or Small, That’s Your Decision

If a woman wants to have a big family, like the Duggars, good for her!  She has every right to a big family and shouldn’t have hurtful comments about her choices slung at her from the left.

At the same time, if a woman chooses to have none or, gasp, one, child, we should support that decision.  For many women, pregnancy is awful (I should know) and is not something they could realistically do again.  And, for other women, children are of no interest to them.  Some of them don’t like children, and others don’t want children.  Either way, it’s their choice.

I feel disheartened, though, when I see that men are still trying to control women’s reproductive choices.  I also feel sad when women allow this.  Ladies, are we not people? Do we not have voices?

On the flip side, why are we so disdainful toward our sex’s decisions? Why are comments of “selfishness” being swung around by both sides?  Especially as women, we should support others of our sex in whatever reproductive decision they make because we all know how hard it is – even if you haven’t experienced pregnancy, you’ve most likely experienced menstruation and that alone gives you street cred.

I know that, for me, I pass no judgment on women when I see their family size.  I hope they  can extend the same courtesy to me. Maybe, just maybe, we we can build a more respectful and kind community of women than what currently exists if we recognize the difficulties and complexities of reproduction and refuse to allow the media to exploit our sexual choices while ignoring the male part of the equation.

References:

1a: http://www.susps.org/overview/birthrates.html
1b: http://www.susps.org/overview/population_terms.html
1c: http://www.susps.org/overview/population.html

2: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/02/29/rush-limbaugh-sandra-fluke-slut_n_1311640.html

3: http://2012.talkingpointsmemo.com/2012/02/santorum-backer-friess-gals-used-to-put-aspirin-between-their-knees-for-contraception.php

4: http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/politics/2012/02/rick-santorum-declared-contraception-harmful-to-women-in-2006/

5: http://www.lds.org/broadcasts/article/worldwide-leadership-training/2012/01/the-doctrinal-importance-of-marriage-and-children?lang=eng

Don’t forget to read my review of Looking Up.  You could win a free copy!

A Review of Looking Up

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Looking Up: A Memoir of Sisters, Survivors and Skokie

Almost a year ago, my dear friend Linda published a beautiful book.  In the description of Looking Up: A Memoir of Sisters, Survivors, and Skokie, it says,

“Written by a child of two Holocaust Survivors, Looking Up: A Memoir of Sisters, Survivors and Skokie, tells the story of growing up with parents who have survived the unsurvivable, who land in an idyllic northern suburb of Chicago, Skokie, where they’re suddenly free to live their lives, yet find their past has arrived with them. In a book that’s both funny and somber, and a story universal in its scope, Linda Pressman creates an unforgettable world of adolescent angst and traumatized parents amid the suburban world of the 60s and 70s, ultimately finding that her parents’ stories are her own.” (Emphasis my own.)

While reading this book, I found that her parents’ stories, and her stories, could also be my stories.

For example, she talks of her grandma who had multiple children born without rectums and passing away.  I read this with tears pouring down my face as I thought of my own children who didn’t survive the embryonic stage.

Linda, the 6th of 7 sisters, also talks of she and her sisters trying to find their place in their family.  Some have an easier time of it and others may never find it.  As the second of ten, I understand the difficulties of figuring out who you are and where you belong in your family.  Yet, like Linda, I have deep love and respect for all my siblings.

Expertly and artistically tying in her parents’ and grandparents’ Holocaust stories to her own growing up experiences, Linda made me feel like I was in her house as her mother chastised them for complaining about food and clothes by comparing her meager existence in the forest to their current living situations.  I was a guest at the many family functions, listening with growing boredom to my the stories of my grandparents and thinking that every family had Holocaust stories.  And I was with her as they moved away from the Skokie home.

Through it all, many of her family left their religion.  Linda, on the other hand, found strength and courage in her Jewish faith and continues to talk about her rich heritage and traditions on her blog, Barmitzvahzilla.   She gives me hope as I figure out my own spiritual journey while I consider how my grandparents’  and parents’ stories impacted how I live.

Linda’s book is available at bookstores – on-line and otherwise – and I promise it will be an excellent addition to your library.

As a special treat, I am giving away a free copy. Just leave a comment telling me how your parents and/or grandparents shaped your upbringing and I will randomly select the winner.  If you would like additional entries, “like” Linda’s page and my blog’s page on Facebook.  Entries will close on Mar. 9 at 12 pm.  Until then, happy reading!

*I was given a free copy of this book but did the review because I loved it so very much.  I know you will too.

Pathetic

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Friends, I can eat again!  And, more than that, I actually like eating!!!! I am also free to move about.  Except, well, things have changed.

Take a few nights ago.  A good friend had us over for pizza and afterwards we played a few games on the Wii.  After watching my husband battle it out with my friend’s husband, I decided to give tennis a try.  Just one match; easy as eating pie (a favorite pastime of mine).

The next day, I couldn’t move my arm.  Seriously, who gets sore from playing the Wii? Or from walking down the street?  And, who huffs and puffs when they walk up two stairs?  Holy Moses, what has happened to my fit body?

Ah, I didn’t move for 10 weeks.  I guess I lost more than weight, I lost all my muscle tone.

Luckily, I can build that up, along with my old personality.  It feels great to smile, laugh and joke with my husband again.  Not to mention spending time with my kids.  I have missed them tremendously!

Now that my previous self is returning, I think I’ll go run a marathon!  Or watch one on TV while eating apple pie and ice cream.  Hey, I’ve got a hungry, growing baby to consider.

Starting the Second Trimester Right With an ER Visit

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I feel pretty competent when it comes to advocating for my own health. I will stand up for what I think is right and argue when I disagree.  Yet, with this pregnancy, I have been far too tired and sick to argue and have allowed my physician to take the lead.  Not a good idea.

Despite taking anti-emetic medication (anti-nausea/vomiting) regularly every 6 hours, I have still only consumed around 1000 calories a day, on a good day, for this whole pregnancy.  I cannot take prenatal vitamins, anti-depressant/anxiety medications, or anything else except my Zofran.  I constantly feel malnourished, fatigued, and without energy.  But I felt that because my doctor indicated that I was maintaining my weight, I was not nearly as sick as I originally thought.  Wrong.  Regardless of my weight gain/loss (or keeping a steady weight), I was still throwing up 2-5 times a day, on medication, which is not healthy.

Last week, I started down a very sick road.  I thought maybe it was something I ate or maybe I hadn’t taken my medication regularly enough.  None of these was the case.  My body was reacting to the beta hCG levels and sending messages, through the brain, telling my body to kick up the nausea and vomiting.  So I went 5 days of keeping maybe 1 cup of liquid down and thinking, “well, it’s not that bad because….” and coming up with various reasons, all silly, why I shouldn’t go to the ER or call my doctor.  It took my husband coming into the room and saying “you look like you are on your deathbed” for me to finally agree to an ER visit.

The doctor there quickly ordered 2 bags of fluids and assured me they would help me in whatever way they could.  After a quick ultrasound, in which we saw our cute baby who is looking less like a monster every day (and more like a bird), the doctor came in and talked with me.  He said, “come in whenever you need to be topped off with liquids. You are clearly sick and regardless of your weight loss/gain, we need to keep you healthy and on the right track.”  It made me feel 1 million times better in my decision.

With the doctor’s supportive comments, I feel more comfortable in defending my original assertion that regular IV treatment for my HG was, and is, the best course.  So, unless I feel significantly better in the next day or so, I am planning on making weekly trips to the ER* and making improvements to my current condition.  I feel silly that I needed a doctor’s blessing to make this decision, but I guess that even the most assertive women question themselves and get tired of fighting some times.

*I am really missing UT these days.  The town I lived in had infusion services and I only needed my doctor to call in a prescription for me.  I was lucky that my doctor there was very well versed in HG and didn’t argue with me when I requested it.  Unfortunately, in this small town, there is no infusion services building so I have to go to the ER for fluids.  Blech.

When Darkness Prevails

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I’ve mentioned before how the severe sickness of this pregnancy has often left me wanting a miscarriage and even considering abortion (actually, I might not have mentioned that).  Even when things finally started getting better, and I could move around a little bit more, I have had moments of despair and bitterness.

“What’s the point,” I’ve said to my husband.  ”It will probably end soon and I will have given up food, drink, and many other things for no reason.”

Before you criticize me for thinking negative thoughts, you must understand one thing.  I not only have been horribly sick and unable to parent, work, or do anything productive, I haven’t been able to take my anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medications for various reasons (too sick to keep it down, interacts with my anti-nausea medication, etc).  Since pregnancy can increase mental illness symptoms, not being able to take my medication has been a struggle.  I’ve had symptoms that I haven’t felt in over a year! From disturbing thoughts and dreams to thoughts and wishes of suicide and/or abortion, I feel like time has stopped and I will be stuck forever in this first trimester hell.

It’s not easy to write or acknowledge these dark moments in my life.  I would much rather hide them under a rock.  But I know that by admitting this, my group of friends and supporters increases greatly. You know the idea that when you publicly make a goal, you have some sort of accountability? It’s kind of like that;  see, it’s harder to do something rash when I know there are people out there thinking good thoughts and praying to their version of God that everything will turn out okay with this pregnancy.

There have been moments that I’ve let darkness prevail and I can’t pretend that it won’t happen again.  In fact, I’m not even going to end this with something like “I felt bad then but now I have hope, etc etc!”  I am acknowledging that this has been a severe struggle for me.  The HG, the previous miscarriages, and mental illness have really knocked me down.    I am irritated with my kids, with my husband, and have practically eliminated contact with the outside world (except Facebook and this blog).

Don’t take this as a cry for help, take it as me reaching out for hope.  If you have some, would you mind sharing?  And maybe, just maybe, I will make it through this last stretch of pregnancy-induced sickness and return to a semi-normal state.

P.S. As soon as I can stop taking this anti-nausea medication, I can start taking my medications again.  It’s unfortunate that I must choose between throwing up and medication, but that’s the beauty of hyperemesis gravidarum. I can’t wait to tell HG to eff off, if you know what I’m saying.

How Religion Impacts Society: Birth Control and Homosexuality

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I read a lot of British history on the kings and queens of medieval society.   A common parallel I find between that time and ours is the misuse of religion and religious influence in the public sphere.  At one time, priests placated the starving populations by telling them that God blessed the kings and blessed those that followed the king unquestioningly, even though many kings were highly immoral in how they behaved and used funds: hosting lush feasts while their citizens were starving, engaging in lewd and adulterous behaviours with various mistresses, and going to war on the people’s budget without reasonable cause.  The medieval period was a bloody reminder that Christ’s name could be abused for a cause and we only need to remember the crusades, the inquisitions, and other events as reasons behind the legislation separating church and state in the US and various other countries.

Yet, I still see evidence of religions and religious leaders using similar tactics to impose their version of morality on general society.

Recently, President Obama passed a birth control rule that requires that health insurance companies pick up the cost of birth control as part of his Affordable Care Act.  However, the catholic church and other religions have come out against it claiming it violates their religious freedom (even after the compromise).  (I respect the complicated nature of this legislation and how some might see it as an infringement on their religious rights; however, the constitution says: “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof,” Obama’s rule does not state that a woman MUST take birth control, it is expanding access and decreasing the cost to birth control so that women everywhere might afford it.)

Which leads me to the other issue: homosexuality.  Last week, California courts declared Proposition 8 illegal.  A huge victory for the homosexual population.  Yet, many religious groups came out crying “foul” and exclaiming that the people had spoken while the courts had unconstitutionally overturned it (funny because I thought it was the court’s place to determine constitutionality, or interpret the law).   The campaigns against gay marriage call it a “sin” and a “threat to traditional marriage.”  Legislating purely on religious beliefs without research that shows these claims as logical would be an infringement on first amendment rights–that  religious organizations’ beliefs should not supersede popular opinion and natural rights.

In the past, religious leaders fought against woman’s suffrage and inter-racial marriage claiming the same moral issues.  A woman is subject to her husband and shouldn’t be engaging in public discourse anyway, or so the bible says.  And African-Americans, from the 1600′s-1970′s, were considered inferior to the white race–a doctrine taught in religious congregations all over the country.  Yet we would all agree that these ideas are outdated and certainly not true; unfortunately, the same logic is used to hold women back by denying access to birth control and exclaiming disapproval over homosexuality–which is increasingly shown as a genetic variation not a choice as some would claim–by blocking their ability to marry.

I am very disappointed with religious organizations, who often claim to have first-hand knowledge of what our forefathers want, attempts to infringe on the very clear constitutional amendment that separates church and state.  To claim moral superiority over the majority tears down important conversations on key issues in our country. Building a united and poverty/minority-minded nation requires compromise from all sides of the spectrum.  I feel that caring for the poor of our country should be the most important issue and we shouldn’t allow religious beliefs or disbelief in the public sector to overshadow that goal.

I want to emphasize that I know many wonderful Christian (and other religious) folks who care for minorities and would disagree with the overt religious influence on certain policies.  I just wish this respect would rise to the top of religious organizations.