Category Archives: Feminism

From Working Mom to Sick Mom

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It didn’t take long for me to realize that working while incredibly sick is impossible.  Not only could I not focus on work, but I was constantly vomiting in the bathroom and worrying the kids and their families.  It’s difficult to visit and interview families when I am dizzy and rush through things so I can run to the bathroom.  In my field, I strongly believe that if you cannot  or do not wish to help those you are working for then you should switch jobs.  In this case, I really loved my job but sickness hindered my ability to help the families.

Last Friday, I gave my two week’s notice; unfortunately, after a weekend when I couldn’t move or get out of bed without puking, my husband called my supervisor and explained the situation.  She agreed that terminating employment immediately would be the best for me and my health.

Thus, now I am unemployed and sick in bed.  I can take medications but these medications don’t cure everything.  I might stop throwing up as much; however, I still can’t get out of bed or off the couch.  As soon as I stand up, move around, or get in the car, I start the vicious vomiting cycle.

Part of me is sad to bid adieu to working and the other part of me knows this is the best for me and my family.  I will miss actively earning a paycheck but I also know that my time as a working mom isn’t over, it’s just put on hold.

This experience has taught me that continuing to fight for women’s rights is more important than ever.  If my job had allowed flexibility–like working part-time from home until I stop vomiting–I would have continued.  Unfortunately, like other women, I have found that many workplaces are not friendly to pregnant women, or women who have young children.  In bureaucracies, this deficiency is even more apparent as autonomy for supervisors is limited; they must follow the chain-of-command which restrains their administering abilities and breeds ineffective management.  A topic for another day.

The guilty feelings I expected haven’t surfaced, probably because I am much too sick for negativity.  Or maybe it’s because I am happy that I can spend my time enjoying this pregnancy–the first viable one after so very many losses and most likely our last.

Lucky for me, the kids are in daycare for the rest of the month allowing me to rest and vomit in peace.  And for that I am thankful.

Rolling With the Punches

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Subtitled: And Feeling Oh So Good

This week, I started my new job and the kids enrolled in daycare.  What I thought would be a difficult experience turned into the best week of my life.  Yes the babes cried a little when I dropped them off, but I knew they would be fine.  And they were.

In fact, the times before I drop them off and after I pick them up, are better than they ever were when I stayed home with them.  The biggest difference is quality.  When I’m home, I am not on the computer, lying on the couch, or doing all the other things I used to do.  Instead, we read stories, play games, and cuddle.  I smother them with love and they return it willingly.

This week was busy and by the last day, I felt weary and sore.  Yet, like all good workouts, I felt pumped. I have been happy, playful, and someone I actually want to be around.  It’s helped that Ben has had a “bye week” in school so transitioning from staying at home to working has been smooth for all parties.

My place of employment wouldn’t be considered prestigious in much of the world’s eyes, but, frankly, I would take fulfillment over prestige any work day.  The demographic I work with is exactly who I want to work with after I get my master’s degree and all the other GRAND plans I have for the future; thus, finding employment in a non-profit organization–at the grassroots level–now is basically like interning before I even start graduate school.

I suppose I wrote this because I have read so many accounts of women who bemoan the fact that they must work and leave their kids in a caretaker’s hands and all week I have been waiting for those emotions to arise.  They haven’t and this tells me something: loving where you work really takes the edge off of not seeing your kids.  It also alleviates the stress of being a mother by allowing me to get out of the house and in to a more productive environment.  The big thing, for me, is that I went to work because I wanted to, not because I had to.  Yes we need the money, but not to the point of if-I-don’t-get-a-job-we’ll-starve.  It’s more for the future.  So I had time to find a job I wanted and now that I’ve started, I am feeling so good that I have to pinch myself to make sure I haven’t drifted off into dreamland or some other alternate reality.

I am sure that Ben’s workload will increase dramatically again this week, so I will be back on-line again if only to share the tales of my increasingly fairy-tale-like life.   You know, the fairy tales that no one has ever heard: The abstract and eye-brow raising ones that sound made up.  Yeah, those reflect my life far more than Cinderella ever did. Thank the stars.

Be Careful How You Judge

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When I used to read of other women’s desires to return to work–even though they loved their children–I would shake my head knowingly:  They just don’t understand motherhood.

Even though I would wake up, terrified, knowing I would be home with my kids, I told myself to remain faithful and eventually things would get better.  I mean, I was doing what was right for my kids and fulfilling the role I agreed to take on when I became pregnant–that of being a stay-at-home mom.

Gradually, I saw my life swinging out of control.  No amount of happy pills can make someone enjoy something that is chinking away at their sanity.

So when I saw our money dwindling away, and realized that I would need to find a job ASAP, I jumped at the chance.

I don’t have a job, yet, but will be interviewing in the next few weeks.  Anxiety is creeping in as I realize this is really happening.  But, for once, it isn’t negative anxiety, it is eager anticipation as I think about leaving the house and everything that entails: no more cleaning up after messes all day long; no longer will I hide behind the gate in the kitchen, trying to seek some moment of peace; and I will finally have company–besides my own thoughts–for at least 7 hours of the day.

Here’s the clincher: I feel horribly guilty for my excitement. I thought, for sure, I would be a stay-at-home mom and I would love it.  I guess I did not foresee that my husband would be in medical school, I would have two very active toddlers at once, and that I would be solo parenting for 16 + hours a day.

And yet I find myself wondering, am I giving up too soon?  Will I regret this decision?

I do have one necessity: survival (if I don’t get a job we will be in a dire situation soon); however, it is more than that.  My emotions are crumbling.  I can feel myself sinking into a place that will soon leave me alone, angry, and unapproachable.

Coming from my very judgmental past (personal experience only), I find myself rolling my eyes at the excuses I give for embarking on this new adventure.  Excuses that I once flippantly ignored or arrogantly berated–in my head–when I heard them from other women and chalked up to their obvious weakness.

But now I understand where they are coming from and I will soon be joining the ranks of working moms.  Guess what? I’ve never felt surer of a decision in my life.

Yet my past is coming back to haunt me.  Excited though I am, the guilt for wanting to leave my children at a daycare or babysitter’s house, is slightly overwhelming.  I worry over being condemned and/or looked down upon by friends and relatives.  I am also worried that my kids will resent me. And, to top it off, I feel that I am giving up on a dream I had for so long, which makes me feel like a huge loser and clearly incapable of setting any type of goals.

Clearly I am conflicted and it is painful.  Even though I am much more assertive now than I once was, and I will not be backing down from my decision, I am still worried about what other’s will think of me and wondering if I am a failure after all.  However, I will continue forward, even if it means angst for a little while, because I know I will be better off–mentally–when I get a job.

For you working moms out there, my kids will be fine, right? Did you experience the same angst? And how do I go about finding daycare? 

I Refuse to Choose Between Work and Family

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I have read and listened to several pieces where women discuss working outside the home.  The most disconcerting aspects are how most, if not all, feel the need to choose between starting a family and pursuing a graduate degree and/or a career.  I have so many feelings toward this but the main one being: Why must women choose?  For that matter, why must men choose?

As a woman and mom who has specific educational and career goals, this topic is close to my heart.  After many years of believing that my first priority is mommying, I felt cloistered by the decision–the right decision–I made early to have Emily and Andrew.  All the passions that arose once I found the right major I felt forced to place on the back burner.

One specific memory is when pregnant with Emily: I told Ben I really wanted to get my masters.  I wasn’t sure in what at the time, but I wanted to start preparing.  He supported me unequivocally; however, knowing I was pregnant and being an active member of the LDS church, I felt the Prophets and other leaders had deemed this decision unrighteous.

So when I graduated, and Ben began studying for the MCAT and doing all the other things necessary to prepare for medical school, I felt a surge of jealousy.  It hurt to say good-bye to him.  I felt abandoned and, worse, unrecognized for my natural intelligence.   But, I told myself, I was doing the right thing by choosing my family first.

Coming from the place I am now, not feeling pressured to stay at home with my kids as well as not believing in eternal consequences, I will say there is more than one option.  I, and others, shouldn’t have to choose between work and family.  Instead, women and men should push for more family friendly work environments.

I have this vision of husbands and wives, partners, or any type of family group standing up to companies who do not allow flexible work schedules, telecommuting, or more paid time off.  All these companies–and especially the examples with which the heads of these companies set–are anti-family.  Studies have consistently shown that happy home lives correlate with content and more productive employees.  Think about the ramifications of making work places in such a way that all people–from the top to the bottom–felt they did not need to sacrifice their family’s needs to keep their position or help their company reach their “bottom line.”   I am not saying that there wouldn’t be times when work would need to come first, I am suggesting that we band together to encourage companies to put families first.  To allow for a more balanced work/home life.  I mean, a family initiative within families is all fine and dandy, but change can’t come until we make a concerted effort to alter policies and laws toward a more progressive and employee/employer-friendly workplace.

I don’t know about you, but I will not let my decision to be a mom interrupt my desire to work; nor will I allow my desire to work interfere with my current and future family planning.  I will have as many, or as little, kids as I want without putting any educational/career goals on the shelf.

My question for you is, how can we make this work?  Any suggestions or alterations to my vision? Do you feel you must choose between work and family?

On Abortion and Education

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As a young girl, I viewed abortion as the ultimate evil.  From my perspective, people who performed or received abortions did not value human life.  They were baby-hating monsters.

I remember the first time I felt Emily move.  The sensation was surreal; the closest I’ve come to a spiritual experience.  It also verified my views surrounding abortion.  As she grew in my uterus, and my belly expanded, I would place my hand over her kicking feet and imagine what she looked like.  My heart was full of happy anticipation as I envisioned what meeting her would be like.  I would wonder how a person could abort such a precious gift.

My miscarriages enforced this notion.  All I wanted was a baby, but my body refused to cooperate; instead, I underwent spontaneous abortions.  Unlike women who had surgery to rid their body of an unwanted pregnancy, I had no choice in this decision.

All these thoughts left me feeling bitter.  Rather than learning about the populations who had abortions, I harshly–and prematurely–judged their hearts and prided myself with exceptional moral thinking.  Clearly these people were cold, unfeeling creatures with little regard for human life.  Heck, they probably sanctioned atrocities like physician assisted suicide or the eugenics movement.

When I shed my false pretenses, around the same time I started questioning religion, I allowed myself to fully consider a woman whose desire to be a mother is juxtaposed with her wretched situation: no partner, no income, no resources.  Rather than view these experiences from my very biased perspective, I pictured myself in their situation.

Ben and I might be below the poverty line but we are not impoverished.  We also don’t consider ourselves to be low-income; we have bachelor’s degrees, are attending or considering attending graduate school, and grew up in stable homes.  We are privileged.  So to fully consider what it’s like to be a pregnant girl while living in the ghetto, I needed to look at things from her background.

This shift had a profound impact on my views regarding “pro-choice” or “pro-life.”

The problem with these stances are the dichotomy they represent: if you align yourself pro-choice, you don’t care about babies; if you are pro-life, you regard an infant’s life over a mother’s.

Each side villainizes the other while refusing to concede important concessions: health of a mother, consequences of having sex, the importance of birth control.  And both sides marginalize the most affected populations: the low-income and undereducated woman.

With this in mind, I have a proposal:  let’s kill the ideologies.  I feel a person could be pro-life and pro-choice.  My theory derives from this hypothesis: if we offer educational resources to the low-income and teenager populations, abortion rates will decline.  I am not talking about sex education, something I feel is equally important (heck, I wrote about it two years ago), but classes on reproduction, child development, college preparation, career placement, and feminism.

How might these classes mend a broken system?  By empowering women.  I think a well known fact is, education equals power.  Consider this, when you fully research all options available to you, a decision becomes much easier to make.  It also feels good.  If a girl knows more about her body, and about the future opportunities available to her, she will feel less inclined to (excuse my explicit description) open her legs to every man who comes along.  She will know that her femininity is something to honor, not display.

I believe this is where feminism plays an important role.  As a girl discovers the power within herself, the power of being a woman, she will recognize that her place in this patriarchal society is to let her femaleness out.  To roar.  Loudly.

Learning the history of how woman have been treated over the ages will give her the precedent to change the current system.  She will recognize that she is not a second-class citizen; rather, she is as important as the man who attempts to exploit her sexuality.  More importantly, she is in charge of her sexuality.

Yes, a person can be pro-choice and pro-life.  We can recognize the beauty in child birth, and the special gift it is to woman, while also informing women of their choice to be powerful rather than submissive.   Let’s be rid of harmful ideologies and move toward a more progressive and, ultimately, loving philosophy.

Babies and woman are important.  But if a woman is not allowed to fully express her femininity, she cannot bear and rear children with a firm foundation.  It’s more than about life, it’s about hope. And hope comes from opportunity and knowledge.  I think we can all agree on that.

I Think I’ll Be a Nuclear Physicist

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I appreciate all the e-mails, comments (through the back roads, you sneaky people you), and Facebook messages regarding my most recent miscarriage.  Eventually I will respond.  I promise.  But right now I’m choosing denial, anger, and a whole lot of other things.  The best way I have found to cope is to continue writing about something–anything–other than kid stuff, and to read all your blogs.  A nice escape from a crappy situation.

When I decided to embrace feminism, it wasn’t a whimsical decision based on cultural pressures or a desire to be different.  It came because I recognized that many of my personal beliefs matched those of the feminist movement.  One example is my view on women working.

A couple years ago, I quickly read through The Feminine Mystique as a primary source while researching feminism.  At the point I read it, I disagreed with many points (per my disgust of all things feminist), but much of what Betty Friedan, the author, postulated through her research and suggested because of her research has stayed with me.

Before I studied Friedan’s work, I believed that all women who worked outside the home were feminists.  After a couple years of pondering on her words, I know the truth to be otherwise.

See, Betty does suggest women can only achieve self-actualization (re: Maslow) through working outside the home.  But, and this is important, only through meaningful work that requires she use her full mental capacity.  That is what I want to highlight today.

I know many, many, women who return to work after having their baby because they believe that’s the best thing for them; unfortunately, they detest their jobs and often feel more miserable because the choice they made.  The problem, as I see it, is they chose a job that paid moderately well but had nothing to do with their personal and professional interests.

One of the fundamental purposes of feminism is to empower women.  But, to do this, information must be disseminated as to how this works.  Primarily when it comes to working outside the home.  If we, as women, are going to enter the workplace, we much find professions that challenge and fulfill us.  We need to either pursue higher education to assist us in our professional goals or work our way up in a company we wish to manage.

One of Ben’s great friends once gave him excellent business advice: plan to attain the highest position in any company you work for, that way you can get off when you want rather than settle for something lower that doesn’t bring satisfaction.  This is great for women and men.  A big reason I plan on pursuing a masters and Ph.d someday.  If I feel that a masters is all I need, great.  If I realize I do want to continue, I will have already planned on it.  The point is, I am not limiting myself–I am reaching for the stars.

There is so much more to say on this issue, but for now let me end with this thought.  After reading this, you might wonder why I stay-at-home.  Because, despite what Betty Friedan says, I do find complete fulfillment at home.  While I have goals to continue my education in the future,  for the present I am very satisfied with my profession.  This is the important “take home message.”  Find something that fulfills you: whether that is staying home with your children, a secretary job, or pursuing a career as a doctor.