I left you hanging with my last post and wanted to update you. I have decided to withdraw and resume my studies with a different, better program in a year or so. I am in the last week and very busy, so will give a much more detailed and thoughtful post next week.

Love,

Amber

Rather normal in my life these days.

But besides all the busyness, I felt off.  While I enjoy the subject matter of my program immensely, it feels wrong.  Not the timing, but the program itself.

At the risk of sounding arrogant, the program is not academically rigorous enough for me.  With my peers throwing around Newsweek and CNN like they are primary sources, my professors not interested in keeping the discussions academically centered and my grades impeccable (I think I’m averaging an A+ in all my classes), I am itching for something more.  I want and need a program that challenges me on all levels and provides sufficient support to land internships, engage in research, and have the research tools handy to produce quality work; unfortunately, the school I am currently attending has been deficient in most of these areas.  Thus, I have to choose: do I stay or do I go?  Do I finish this program and risk not landing a job in my field because I am not appropriately prepared? Or do I wait a year and start another, more rigorous and more academically satisfying, program?

Each has its pros and cons.  For one thing, I hate waiting AND have to take the GRE and ask for letters of recommendation (eck) AGAIN from my previous professors.  Not looking forward to that.  But, we are in a better place financially and geographically for me to apply for a program that is better suited to my goals.

Choices, choices.  I have 2.5 weeks to decide and, in the mean time, I’m throwing around different options of what I would do during that year wait time.  Work? Stay home?  I am not sure.

Anyone want to decide for me?  I don’t think I’m adult enough to do it myself.

Without my prompting, she has taken this into her own hand by placing an age for everything she wants to do: eat as much candy as she wants, stay up late, chew gum, etc.

As I listen to her dialogue, I wonder how often I’ve done this myself. Claiming inability to do something because of my age or choosing to back out of an opportunity because the timing wasn’t right.

Yet, I have done so many things out of the traditional “order.”  I got married young (at 20), had my first at 21 and my second at 22 all while finishing my undergraduate education – which I completed in 3 years.  During this time, despite encouragement from many faculty members, I chose to stay home rather than pursue a graduate degree thinking I could do that after the kids were in school.

And then I had an epiphany.

Will timing ever be right?  Wasn’t that why I had kids young in the first place, because I realized that no time would be easier than another?  Why not apply this same idea to my educational and vocational desires?

So I’m trying to change my way of thinking.  This might mean going to excess in pursuit of this dual life at first, but hopefully things will balance out in the next decade or so.

{Five for Five Day 4: Age}

So, after a long hiatus from picture taking, I started capturing little memories.  Andrew’s grumpy faces, Emily’s mischievous doings, Emily and Andrew playing and laughing together and Ben sitting with his kids.  With Picasa and Instagram suddenly available from my phone, I’ve taken more photos in a few months than I have in the last year and I’ve enjoyed taking these pictures.

With my weird personality quirks, it’s simple things – like a smartphone – that enable me to engage with my kids and actively capture our moments together. It’s what helps keep me alive and going, especially as I balance school and family and pregnancy (yes, an entity all its own).

While my privileged state is clearly shown through this post, I don’t care.  I am glad for technology and extremely grateful for my smartphone.

{Five for Five Day Three: Pictures. Join in!}

Two to four essays plus 2-4 lengthy papers a week.

Discussions with peers.

Writing, writing, writing.

But where to find the time?  And the energy?  If I weren’t so close to finishing this quarter (3.5 weeks), I’d consider calling it quits.  With the tables turned and Ben supporting me through grad school – in a nontraditional manner as he works full-time and I am both a graduate student and stay-at-home mom – it’s amazing how many words remain unsaid between us.  As I teeter from complete breakdowns to feeling on top of everything.

Mostly, the word is why.  Why did I decide to pursue a graduate degree now?  With two kids, 3 and 2, and another on the way (making it 3, 2, newborn)?

I suppose it’s my crazy feminist-like belief that a woman should not neglect her dreams any more than a man should.  I also believed that all that support I provided my husband through his years of undergraduate education and that partial year of medical school (when, despite his being near the top of his class, he realized he did not want to pursue medicine) would provide a foundation from which he could support me.

Naturally, I thought I’d have more time during the day.  I forgot about the havoc two toddlers can cause in an hour and how exhausting pregnancy is, even in the second trimester.  Nap time work? Heh. Waking up early? If I want to risk feeling out of control from exhaustion for the next week.  Staying up late? Without the distractions of my husband, sure. The line between too much and too little is thin and those comforting words I’ve told myself since starting – you can do this, it will be difficult but worth it – aren’t so comforting in the middle of it all.

And all those words spoken between us?  Of me explaining that I need his help and him saying that he will give it?  Are easier said than done.

Writing.

Talking.

Words.  So many words. Too many words.

What I want now is answers and time. Things that words can’t give and that I can’t seem to find.

*****

My gals at Momalom are hosting Five for Five.  Check it out!  And, they are combining forces with the lovely Heather for her Just Write series.  Pure awesomeness.

Yes, change.

One change that scares me beyond the rest will happen between July and August – the baby’s arrival.  While I was excited for a third baby’s arrival with pregnancies 3, 4, 5, and 6, it didn’t happen.  Instead, I lost baby after baby before the second trimester.   And, with that, all those feelings of excitement and anticipation that often comes with pregnancy were replaced by fear and anxiety.

In less than 4 months (FOUR MONTHS), the long hoped for yet seemingly hopeless event will happen.  A baby that is healthy (and active), a surprise (gender unknown), and our last (natural) addition will arrive.

Change.  The third child.  What many have warned will be the hardest transition our family will make.

I think we’re ready.

Five for Five starts today. Join. Seriously.

The Rules:
1. Post the rules.
2. Post a photo of yourself along with 11 random facts.
3. Answer the questions given to you in the  tagger’s post.
4. Create 11 new questions and tag new people to answer them.
5. Visit the people you tagged to let them know.

My Photo

My husband takes the worst pictures, seriously. But this is one of the only recent ones I have of myself.

11 Random Things

1.  I take a nap almost every day.

2.  My birthday is this month.  Next week, actually.  I will be turning 25.  Twenty-five. It’s taken my husband 6 months to convince me of this because, for whatever reason, I am convinced I am 23.

3. I love being pregnant and I’m a cute pregnant lady. If I could skip the first, hellish, hyperemesis gravidarum-filled trimester I would have more kids.

4. I almost had a nervous breakdown when I was a freshman and sophomore in college.  Like I should have been placed in a psychiatric unit. Luckily, my mom intervened and sent me to a therapist to work things out.

5. Ben and I will celebrate our 5th wedding anniversary this year yet I think that number does not accurately reflect how long we’ve been together – 9 years – or how much we have been through together.

6. Emily has a serious attitude and is incredibly stubborn.  She is just like me.

7. I really like surprises and I guess that’s why not finding out this baby’s gender has been so easy for me.

8. As many of you know, I have fought ambivalence toward this pregnancy since the beginning.  The ultrasound really changed that and I am starting to get really excited.  I have even thought about names!  (This makes Ben happy as he has been pushing me to think about names since the beginning.)

9. I didn’t attend prom or any high school dance.

10. I am certified to teach Zumba but haven’t actually taught any classes, probably because I went to the training when I was 10 or 12 weeks pregnant and, obviously, have not had much energy or time to do any thing.

Kate’s Questions:

1. Improvisation or by the book?

Personality-wise, I am definitely a rules person.  

2. Dirt in you finger nails or gardening gloves? Or ugh, I’d never garden?

HA, “ugh, I’d never garden” pretty much describes me.  It goes along with my preference for gloves.

3. What was your favorite age as a kid?

Eight. I remember it being such a magical age and I still think it is/was.

4. What’s your favorite children’s movie?

It’s a tie between Finding Nemo and The Emperor’s New Groove. 

5. What would the perfect night out look like? Who would you go with? Where would you go?

My perfect night would include Ben and another couple.  We’d find an awesome bar down town for dinner and drinks then go dancing.  I love dancing. 

6. Do you prefer the swings or a slide?

If size weren’t an issue, I’d totally go for the slide. 

7. What’s the stangest pet you’ve had? Or touched?

My sister and I decided to adopt rats and took care of them for a few months until the girl had babies (yes, we stupidly bought a boy and a girl) and the boy died.  As strange as it sounds, I really did love having those rats as pets.  (We named them Jeff and Cindy.)

8. What  movies you can watch again and again?

My whole library!  Sense and Sensibility (the Emma Thompson version), The Interpreter, Signs, Lady In the Water, Batman Begins, Spanglish, and so many more. 

9. What do you think of those markers that color only on special paper?

You know, I haven’t had much experience with them.  Markers, crayons, and all tools that might make marks on our walls are not allowed in our house.  That’s the difficulty in renting, I guess.

10. What’s your favorite lullaby? (I need some new ones.)

I have two: Golden Slumbers from Baby Mine (all the songs on that album are awesome) and John Lennon’s Beautiful, Darling Boy.

11. What do you love to do that might seem at odds with how your life looks?

This is a difficult question.  I really love working even though I’m a stay-at-home mom right now.  I love hiking despite my hatred of bugs, camping, and general outdoorsy stuff.  I love rap, R&B, and soul despite, as my neighbors remind me, of my very white background (I think this shows how silly racial lines are in our country, lines created on all sides and across different ethnic backgrounds and races).  I suppose that my life is full of inconsistencies.

My Questions

1. If you could have gone into any profession (apart from being a mom), what would you have done?

2. What are some items on your bucket list?

3. Do you have a favorite color? What is it?

4. Did you read the Hunger Games? Have you seen the movie? What did you think?  (I have selfish motives behind this question)

5. What places, foreign and local, have you visited? What were your favorites?

6. Did you attend college? Why or why not?

7. What are some things you are passionate about?

8. Do you read parenting books?

9. Any book/movie recommendations?

10. Serious or funny?

11. Preferred music genre?

People

Wolf at Daily Plate of Crazy

Kristen at Motherese

Cathy at All I Want to Say

JoAnna at A Star of Hope

Tiffany at Elastamom

Kristen at Enjoying Every Moment 

The Undomestic Housewife

The Mommy Psychologist

and whoever else wants to play along!  (Please do not feel obligated. Seriously.)

Also, next week is Five for Five. Join. You’ll thank me.

Um, yeah.

In other news, I’m over 20 weeks (22.2 exactly) and will finally have my ultrasound (moving, changing doctors, and insurance stuff really delayed the process) today.  The question that is on everyone’s mind is, what will I have?  A boy? A girl? Twins? (Haha, it’s one baby BUT IT’S POSSIBLE.)

However, I am taking the crazy route and not finding out.

That’s right, folks.  This baby will be the first in our family to not have a gender until birth!  Er…rather, for us not to know the gender.

With our first two, it was imperative that I find out.  Seriously.  I would lay awake at night wondering who inhabited my body.  Now, I want to be surprised.  This will be the last pregnancy and I want it to be as special as both Emily’s and Andrew’s were and there is no real urgency in finding out the sex now.  I mean, even when I did know Andrew’s sex I still didn’t buy clothes until after he was born (although, in my defense, that’s because he came a leeeetle bit early).

And that’s it: School, baby, two other kids, craziness.

I’ll start with today.

Six-thirty am and the kids are awake and WHINY.  ”I’m HUNGY [hungry],” “I WANT my ganky [blanket],” “I don’t WANT to go!”

I try to escape under the blankets, but their voices carry through.  So, I get up and shower (thanks to sweet Ben who is taking care of their breakfast needs) and really try to put on a good face.  I mean, positive thinking will surely lead to good results, right?

Drop Ben off, come home, and must carry both kids up the stairs to our apartment (on the third floor).  Get a snack, put on a show, and hope that I can get a few moments to eat my breakfast.

Ten seconds later….

“MOM! I’M HUNGY! I WANT [insert everything your child cannot have at 8:30 in the morning].”

I tell them they have to wait until later, finish the snacks they have now and please talk to me using a regular voice.

I finally sit down, only to be interrupted by 100 liquid messes (Andrew spilling things from every filled cup and dish he can find), 1000 more “hungy” WHINES, and 100000 “Mom! Andrew dumped such and such!”

An hour later, I finally finish my now cold breakfast, and see that Emily snuck into the kitchen and grabbed the ONE thing I didn’t put away – the chocolate milk mix – and poured it into a cup.

So tired of the screaming, whining, and general mess making by this point I figure, what the heck.  Fine.  Eat the darned chocolate. Just don’t make a mess.

I make my trillionth trip to the bathroom – this whole crowding of my bladder thing is very disruptive – and come out to chocolate milk mix all over the floor, Andrew’s face and clothes, and my bed.

And, with that, I dissolve into tears.

It’s only 10 am.  It’s only 10 am. It’s only 10 am.

Surely this day will get easier, right?  I only have 4 assignments due by midnight….

And there you go, friends.  To all you tired parents, I am here for you.

Care to share your stories?

(As it is Tuesday, I’ve linked up with Heather’s Just Write.  Because this post? Is just writing.)

Yet, with recognition comes understanding and awareness.  So, despite my inability to take my stabilizing medications (due to pregnancy), I can talk about my difficulties with Ben and try out possible solutions.  And sometimes these solutions are simple, like taking a couple breaths and starting over.

This past week, for example, I had a hefty load of papers and other assignments to complete.  Because I am attempting to forge a work-life balance, I do most of my school work on Monday through Thursday and keep Friday through Sunday open so I can spend time with the kids and Ben.  This means that I am spending over 10 hours on those days working on assignments, and, since I am also a stay-at-home mom, waking up really early and staying up really late.  By Thursday, I am generally wiped out and overwhelmed.

When I felt myself losing control, I firmly decided to take a breathing break and try again the next day.  You know what? It was the most efficient thing I did last week.  So, to help me remember this, I’ve made a poster to hang up in my room…or at least place on my computer.

This post is part of Health Activists Writer’s Month.